We need to hear this. We need other people.
It’s come up in three different conversations this week, one with a family member and the other two with best friends:
Specifically, “I feel alone…” (what I’m about to share is the opposite of this).
Though there’s much I could say on the subject (I was told by a friend I needed a chapter in my book on it), I will focus on this…
In the years of inner work done and ongoing, even before getting into this industry as my life’s work, I realized that both truths below are relevant and true.
I’ll get to them, but, in short, believing that only one is right or true, is doing further disservice and causing additional or deeper loneliness, confusion and separation (from ourselves and loved ones around us).
In short, yes, it’s up to us and we CAN also rely on our relationships. Please do. We should! There. I’ve. Said. It.: should, should, should.
It may feel like the personal development and self-help world highlights that happiness is called ours for a reason ~ that it’s our charge and no one else’s and it does often.
Because in the end, this is who we actually have — ourselves — yup, it’s up to us to be so unapologetic about our joy that we create it for ourselves, but, what is rarely connected in this breath is this~> you, beautiful woman, can exercise your needs of being a social creature, too (this is our nature — we were *not* meant to live in isolation, we were meant to call on our people!).
Rely on your tightest of relationships to bring you much happiness. Because they will — and when they do, they will add mountains of sugar on top ***to the happiness you’re already bringing to your life.***
Those articles, coaches (I’m one who has said it, too), gurus etc continue: “Create your own joy, you’re the one who has pole position. Do your inner work to get there, find yourself, don’t put your happiness in anyone else’s lap or let them drive the car. Drive it. Again, create it for yourself because husbands, friends, parents, etc, no one is here to make you happy or make life right for you.”
Hard to accept at times for many, but it is all true. We control one thing: how we feel and what we do consistently to nurture our own internal landscape.
I d e e p l y believe and live this (but there’s also more).
I’ve spoken about the former with friends, in workshops, during private client sessions (just yesterday), in articles, on FB and on more than I can count.
I’ve even outed myself and told Josh and Nolan various times (I want Nolan to know/feel this for his own self as he grows) that each of them in my life are gifts, two divine icings on top of a cake.
But ~ “…it’s notttt your responsibility to “make” me happy. So, if I’m moody or sad or whatever, you’re not supposed to fix it or ‘make me happy’. Let’s be kind to one another and prioritize communication, respect and closeness, yes, but this doesn’t mean you are in charge of the level of satisfaction or fulfillment I feel in or with my life.”
Because, self inquiry: Can I truly be “made” happy when I’ve not internally already found that place within? The responsibility is mine/ours, to tend to our internal gardens. What haven’t we looked at square in the face? What fun, healing and joy have we not created in our own lives?
Again, the personal development or self help world is not wrong, but where it can feel or go wrong inside is that you believe that since this (happiness/peace/joy) is, ultimately, your “job”, that no one else needs to inhabit an emotional space in your life that you can count on TOO.
This is a **too** situation.
***Hear this: Counting on and waiting for someone to fill you up or making something different in their interaction with you, so you can feel better or best are two different things.***
They’re not responsible for your happiness, but yes, you CAN rely on your allies (“in ally, I can rely…”).
In fact, go…get on planes and trains and nurture these connections that were made in and from the stars, the friendships that will be there to share in your joy and pick you up when you’ve tripped or stayed fallen for awhile.
Create new allies, even ~ and, yes, be a damn good one to yourself!
Consciously create for yourself a circle of women around you who will be there to aid in another layer of your innate joy or peace (again, the kind you’ve been designing and devoted to for yourself for some time).
We need other women.
What’s real and also connected to this: to expect our spouses to be everything ~ to be our romantic partners, as well as our girlfriends, therapists, life coaches and business consultants was never the point. 🙂
Also — we all get busy and go internal or “dark” with young kids, businesses, grief and changes galore, but right now is a good time to do great good in your life inside relationships.
Who are your people? Tell them, be there for them, allow them to be there for you, all while you do the honest work of getting to know yourself on a more intimate level.
…to your garden and know you’re a great additional waterer in the gardens of your closest sister-like relationships, too (as are they in yours).
Lean back, girl. The ones you knowwww got you, DO!