We gotta get good at facing the upsets in life.
There’s at least one small, medium or bigger “thing” we each wish was different— for me, for a while, it was wishing that Dino and my Mom were back — back to enjoy life with us, enjoy his nephew, her grandson, his sister, her daughter *and* back to the new normal of what family had become wasn’t so new normal’ish (bargaining phase of the grief process much?).
Ask Josh, but I’m normally one for new (the adventure in it), for the unfamiliar, (at least five times now over the last 15 years, I’ve thrown out new countries we should plan to live in and twice, by my push, we’ve made it happen), but this time, more recently, I was holding on, wanting the previous, the old, the familiar and, generally, more comfort……..able.
If I’m comfortable, I’ll be more able.
…if I’m comfortable, I’ll be more able?
I know that’s not true, but it’s striking how our knee-jerk reaction, many times, is to reach for what preceded us versus what is becoming us…
Unfortunately, of course, no matter how hard we want, kick or scream, some things are beyond our grip or control.
When Nolan was four, I picked him up from school in Guadalajara (this was four years before Dino passed and six before Gigi would) and the cutie shown here was upset that he had ruined his pants with these grass stains and a couple rips.
He had tears in his eyes as he talked to me about it.
I got down on the same knees I’ve seen so much work during the grief journey and told him two things which are still true today (as true for kids as they are for adults): Honey, that’s ok, the grass stains are signs you’ve had FUN and that you’ve enjoyed yourself today, the dirtier you get, the better! (I would repeat similar words dropping him off at school for YEARS, he finally got it and would come home messily fantastic without a care in the world).
We sat on the side of the road taking in the rest of his initial emotion and you could almost hear him making sense of what I had just said.
There are SO many things in life you can fix, I continued…we can wash your pants or buy you new pants…or, if we haven’t been nice to someone, we can communicate with them and say I’m sorry and do better next time, I paused, but there‘s one big thing that we can’t change (pause) and ( ) that’s ( ) death.
I told him,
Those last words.
Ay, those last words.
And these, too: “we gotta get good at facing the upsets in life.” I think about, use and ACT on those specific words a lot these days (these years). I share them with myself, with Nolan, Josh and to anyone who will have a convo with me about it…
I’ve realized over the last five years and, specifically, after losing my beloveds, how important it is for us to prioritize getting good, just a tiny bit better each day, at the upsets.
And surprisingly, I’m not talking so much about grief or the losses that leave us massively stunned (though I have also found there’s a way to mourn or grieve feeling the pain, but not ***suffering*** unnecessarily ~ there IS a difference), but, specifically, getting better at moving through the daily, smaller upsets of the grass stain variety).
We spend life or seasons of that life, prioritizing and working at getting better at everything else…learning everything we need to learn to make the money, beefing up our communication skills, signing up for sales trainings (if you’re your own boss), focusing on the health or weight stuff, or establishing the habit of getting up earlier to start the day more productive or whatever it is, that we rarely consciously *also* think about or say, “hey, I want to get better at not holding onto the upsets in my life, specifically, the daily, small to medium-sized stuff for as long, so I can “hold” onto the rest of the BIG things that may come OR that I want to CREATE.”
Because if we can more quickly or easily let go of scratching at the mosquito bites or thinking excessively about the paper cuts, there’s no way NOT to have a larger capacity for, say, loss when that comes. Or for cause when that, too, comes a calling.
We can get better at facing upsets in life — the daily, smaller ones (and, actually, the more massive ones, too), by consciously creating the physical, emotional or spiritual challenges we WANT to solve…
But it has to be conscious.
I’M AWARE THAT I’M SAYING YES TO THIS OR THAT FOR A TYPE OF EMOTIONAL TRAINING that helps me trust I can get through anything ~ and *create* any-thing…
Because when you’re in charge of creating your own “problems” (those you’re trusting yourself to get through, to find a solution to, no matter how scary), that’s what you’re saying yes to ~ an emotional type of adventure that builds a unique muscle…
Not surprisingly, all the other stuff we normally prioritize studying or making time for…the money-making, evolving our communication or whatever it is, becomes more effortless, too. But studying ourselves first or alongside everything and how we react to the tough stuff we’ve said yes to somehow needs to come to light.
Getting better at the annoyances, bumps, and bruises is so important that part of my business now helps women plan and create the physical, emotional or spiritual challenges (those they WANT to solve), so when the small upsets — or much larger ones — arise that are genuinely outside of their control, they don’t suffer at the hands of them as much.
We all have things that come hard every day, but we can get through them by creating some of those hard things ourselves.
Once we also “get” that grass stains don’t just come with the bad times, but with the REALLY good, too, our life, this life, we start li-ving.
Make happiness your business by creating your authentic brand…enjoy your business, enjoy your life!